Control
by if-x-you-x-knew
Summary: Alec Lightwood had given up his entire life for the ones he cared about, but now, after eighteen years of pretending, it seems the truth has finally caught up to him. Two-shot. Set after the Jalec fight in 1x09 of Shadowhunters. WARNING: major character death. TW: self harm/suicide.
1. Chapter 1

_**Oh… look whose back from the dead…**_

 _ **So sorry for the lack of anything from me, I just needed some time. But, thanks to Alec Lightwood, I have been inspired write a little two-shot for you.**_

 _ **This is set after the Jalec fight in 1x09. Honestly, I think I dislike show!Jace even more than I disliked book!Jace. But I am excited to see what the writers do with his character.**_

 _ **#ProtectAlecLightwood2k16**_

x-x-x

"I don't want to be alive if we're on different sides!"

Alec didn't believe it.

He was unsure why Jace expected him to.

His words hurt him more than they probably should have. More than a strike to the chest, more than being impaled by a Ravener Demon's tail, venom seeping into his bloodstream. He felt like he was drowning. Given, he had felt this way ever since he was old enough to digest the world around him, but this was different.

Alec _couldn't_ breathe.

The dagger still lay next to him, glowing dimly against the darkness of the night, and Alec, not for the first time, wondered what would happen if he held the blade _too_ _close_ to the thin blue veins that resided under the fragile skin of his wrists.

What would the world do without him? They probably wouldn't care. His parents, Isabelle, _Max_ , they all had Jace; the seemingly perfect warrior who could do no wrong.

 _Jace._

Jace was the reason he was here, Jace was the one, the only human Alec ever thought cared about him. These last few days with Clary had proven him wrong. Jace didn't care about him. Maybe he never had. Maybe the last nearly ten years together meant nothing to Jace. They probably didn't.

Jace was so willing to give up _everything_ with Alec the second he met Clary, who knows what else he was willing to give up for her. Alec had loved him, and this time, he realized, had nothing to do with him being _in love_ with Jace, but that he loved him and cared about him, enough for Alec to get hurt from it. Jace had hurt him, had weakened their bond from the second he chose Clary over the law. That's when Alec knew Jace never really cared.

His whole life, Alec had tried to protect his family. That was the only thing that kept him alive: his family and keeping them safe. The second Clary walked into their lives she threatened everything Alec had worked so hard to protect. And the worst part was that they – Jace and Izzy – were so willing to go with her.

Isabelle had made a point to tell him that she was on his side, her words humoured him. He knew that no matter what, if Isabelle or Jace were ever faced with choosing between him and Clary, they would always choose her over him. They wouldn't even have to think about it. He meant that little to them both.

They had met her all of four days ago, and yet, they were already so in love with her they were willing to give up everything for her. Breaking the law like this, hiding the Mortal Cup, attacking another Shadowhunter, could get them banished, or even executed. And yet, despite his best efforts, they both still ran after Clary like lost puppies. People, who he thought would always support him, be on his side, especially when things got this hectic. People like his family, his _sister_ and his _Parabatai_ , both turned against him for one girl that they didn't even know.

 _Parabatai_ , The word that fell so easily from Jace's mouth, tumbling easily off his tongue, one that whenever Alec would hear, he would be at Jace's beck and call; Alec understood now, why Jace favoured the word in his presence. Jace was smart, he knew, he must've, that Alec would come running every time he spat the word out into the open, waiting patiently for Alec to kneel before him.

Things would be different now. Jace had been manipulating him for years, all these broken promises that Alec would agree to because his _Parabatai_ , his _brother_ , had never given him a reason not to trust him.

Or, at least, not one he could see at the time.

Things would be different now. Alec would no longer stand in Jace's shadow.

Their bond was weak, Alec could tell. It was almost ghostly. But all of it was Jace's doing. He had chosen Clary one too many times, and Alec finally realized just how little he meant to Jace.

Alec was sick of it. He was so sick of everything. His parents had drilled into him his entire life that he was never good enough, that he would never be as good as Jace, and he believed them. And so did everybody else. His parents didn't need him; they had made it pretty evident that if he walked off the face of the planet, they wouldn't blink an eye. Isabelle didn't need him either. His whole life he had spent it trying to protect her, but she never even noticed or appreciated it. She probably wouldn't care if he dropped dead tomorrow. And Max, Alec had always tried to be there for Max. He had always wanted to keep him safe, to make him a warrior that _felt_ things. But Max had Jace. Alec was sure that whatever he could teach his youngest brother, Jace could teach him ten times better.

And Clary, Alec didn't like to think too much about Clary. Everyone suspected that his distaste towards her was because of his feeling towards Jace, which glowed dimmer by the second, but they couldn't be more wrong. He didn't like what she was doing to his family, to his _entire world_. She disrupted everything, she saw the rules as just another thing that she could ruin, along with his life, and stomped all over everything that he had spent so long building.

She didn't like him much in return. And since she had Jace and Isabelle wrapped around her finger that he would so much like to snap right off, she made his family hate him as well.

No one would even blink an eye if he died. Sure he had his family name to try to restore, and his wedding – god, Alec didn't want to think about how awful his love life was right now – but that was up to Isabelle now. She didn't need his protection, she said that to his face, so he figured that if she felt so confident that his efforts to protect her were useless, than he wouldn't bother anymore.

Alec was not one for giving up. But he wasn't stupid either. He knew his efforts were useless, anything he tried to fix now he would just end up fucking up even more. He couldn't risk anyone getting hurt because of him.

He scoffed, his dry laugh echoing against the walls that surrounded him. _If only Clary were smart enough to figure that out._

Alec glanced at the blade sitting dormant by his side. So many times he had imagined pressing it against his own skin. Making himself hurt the way everyone else hurt him; because at least then, he would be in control. He had only actually had the nerve to do it once before.

Back then he was confused about his feelings (he still was), feeling that he was becoming more and more aware of everyday, and he was scared. A gay Shadowhunter was as good as a dead Shadowhunter in the eyes of his parents. And after locking himself in his room for twelve hours, pushing Isabelle away, and attempting to cry these feelings away, Alec had studied his wrists, and the delicate skin that he could easily penetrate. So he did.

And it felt _good._

It made him _feel_ , if anything at all, it reassured him that he still _could_ feel. Feel things that he was supposed to feel.

And that's what he needed now. _To feel_. But this time, there was no going back. He couldn't possibly face anyone if they were to see the self-inflicted scars; not the ones he was about to make at least.

He had made his decision.

A scribbled, tear stained goodbye to his family would be the only thing he left behind.

Alec picked up the blade, it glowing to light at his touch, and he carved his story into his arm. His face distorted in pain, but also in goodbye.

He was saying goodbye to everything he had ever known. His family, the Shadow world, all the perhaps that could have been for him.

He would never come back.

He would never be good enough.

He would never be as good as Jace.

He would always be the screw up Lightwood.

He would never be loved.

If after eighteen years, he still couldn't manage to get his own family to love him, after giving up everything for them, how was he ever expected to find someone to love him for who he really was?

He carved and cried in pain, the _iratze_ on his abdomen burning, trying desperately to keep up with the wounds that cut deep into his skin. But strangely, not as deep as the things his parents have said to him. Not nearly as deep as Jace's betrayal had cut. But unlike his parents, unlike Jace, this pain was… peaceful.

This pain was blissful, because this pain was his doing. He was the master behind this sick puppet show. He was the conductor to this horror movie score titled his life. He was in control. For the first time in his life, Alec Lightwood was in control of his own life.

He wanted to bathe in this moment, in this feeling of peace, but he knew he couldn't.

His time was rapidly running out.

His vision was blurring, his eyelids becoming heavier with every blink. The dagger fell from his hand with a clang, covered with sweat and his own blood, and Alec waited for the blissful kiss and merciful voice of Raziel to sing him to sleep.

At least now, he was finally in control.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Thank you to all the people who took interest in this story. The feedback was very much appreciated.**_

 _ **This chapter is slightly less… morbid.**_

 _ **I hope you enjoy. Please do review.**_

x-x-x

"Jace we really need to go." Isabelle pleaded with him. He broke away from his tight embrace with Clary and turned towards his adoptive sister. She was stood in battle stance, eyes wide scanning their surroundings. "If anyone were to know what we did tonight…" She didn't finish. She didn't need to.

"You're right." Jace replied "it's not safe here, especially not for your boyfriend here.' He waved a hand toward Meliorn who promptly thanked him, along with Clary, for saving him.

"I hate to break up this love fest, but we really need to get out of here." Isabelle's voice was sharp, leaving no room for discussion.

"Right, Iz, we got it. Let's just get out of-" Jace was cut off by a sharp pain exploding from his lower abdomen. He surged to the right, wincing in pain.

"Jace, oh my God!" Clary exclaimed, rushing to his side.

"What's wrong?" Isabelle's voice held a wary tone. "What's going on?" she demanded as another stab of pain radiated through his body. Jace couldn't function, let alone answer. Honestly, even if he could answer, he wouldn't know what to say. He had no idea what was happening. Nothing like this, no demon bite, no poison, no rune, had ever made him feel like this before.

He groaned in pain and ripped his shirt and jacket off, striving to become comfortable and find out what the source of his distress was. Uncomfortable was an understatement. Jace was in so much pain. It felt as though a Greater Demon had just stabbed his abdomen, twisting their spiked tail inside his body tauntingly. Except this was about ten times worse. As the black material fell from his shoulders, all eyes were glued to his _Parabatai_ rune. It was _bleeding_. Not just bleeding, but _fading_. That brilliant opaque rune that had adorned his lower abdomen since he was a child was fading from a dark black into a dull grey.

Then, like a wave crashing upon the sand, it hit him square in the face.

 _Alec._

Isabelle's eyes went wide; she must have realized it too. If the rune was fading, then Alec was dying. Or perhaps something much worse.

Jace shivered reluctantly, he didn't want to think about that, he never wanted to imagine a world without Alec there. But it was far too late for imagining.

"What did you do?" Isabelle demanded "By the Angel Jace Wayland, What the hell did you do?" Before Jace could process what was happening, Isabelle was running towards the entrance to the City of Bones, where Jace had last seen Alec.

"What's going on? I don't understand." Clary's voice rang out into the night sky.

"I told you before, that Alec and I are more than brothers, that we were connected by something more than just friendship." Every word he managed sent another wave of pain through his body.

"Yeah, I remember, you said you were pepperoni or something. Why does that matter now? Can you please just tell me what the Hell is going on?" she became impatient.

" _Parabatai_." Jace corrected "It means that this," he gestured towards his now faded rune coated in his blood, "connects our souls. That's why I was bleeding, that's where Izzy went. To find Alec, That's the only explanation as to how this rune could have faded. Nothing but death can break the bond." Jace finished looking down.

"Oh," was all Clary supplied. Jace would have laughed had he not remembered Alec and his current predicament. Regaining his breath and strength from the pain he was in earlier, he bolted after his sister.

x-x-x

The sight before Jace almost made him vomit. Tears gathered in his eyes, which he quickly wiped away with the back of his hand. Isabelle was hunched over Alec, or at least, Alec's body, his wrists mutilated. In her hands was a sheet of paper that was slightly crumpled. Her sobs racked through her body, echoing against the walls, sputtering into the nothingness of the midnight New York air. Clary's steps pattered behind him, coming to an abrupt stop next to him.

Her eyes were fixated on the sight before her. "Oh God…"she muttered. Isabelle lifted her head, tears staining her cheeks. The look on her face read as if she wanted to murder Jace and Clary where they stood. Jace would have let her.

"This is your fault." Her voice held a dangerous silence. Jace was confused. More than that, he was angry. Alec was gone, and here Isabelle was making accusations.

"How is this _our_ fault?" Clary asked, not angrily, like Jace would have, but genuine curiosity. Isabelle said nothing, just flicked her hand up, presenting them with the piece of paper she had been clutching earlier. Clary stepped forward, tentatively taking the paper form Isabelle's hands. They were both trying to ignore Isabelle's death stare.

Jace couldn't move. He tried to muster up anything. One step, one word, something. But he couldn't his eyes were glued on Alec.

Alec was gone.

He was lying face up, his eyes glossy, his wrist bloody, and beside him lay his dagger covered in blood. Jace tried to look away, but he just couldn't. It was like he had convinced himself that if he stared long enough at Alec's lifeless body, it wouldn't be so lifeless anymore.

It didn't work.

"Oh god…" Clary's voice was finally the thing that snapped his gaze from his lifeless _Parabatai_. Her eyes roamed over the paper, tears threatening to spill and tumble over her cheeks. Just like Jace. "Jace I- you- this isn't- I'm sorry," was what she finally settled on. His eyes moved to the paper in the red head's hands. There was something written on it. _Alec's writing,_ his mind reminded him. Jace shook his head, not wanting to read of all the reasons Alec decided to take his life.

Isabelle scoffed "too afraid to see what Alec had to say about you? Well, let me tell you, it's none too pretty. But sometimes, the truth hurts." She said coldly.

"What are we going to do, Jace?" Clary's voice was faint, and Jace could tell she was crying.

"What do we do?" Isabelle repeated, standing from her previous position hunched over Alec, "We tell our parents for one thing." She started, snatching Alec's note from Clary's hand. "And we give them this. They are not entirely innocent either." She sounded powerful, but Jace could tell that she was just trying to mask her pain. Isabelle turned back to Alec, and after pressing a kiss against his forehead, whispered "I love you, Big Brother," to him, and stalked back toward the Institute, Alec's note in hand.

Jace was still frozen. He couldn't speak.

 _How did they end up here?_

How could this have been _his_ fault?

He breathed deeply and conjured up all the energy he could. He turned, and numbly wandered back towards the Institute, Clary on his heels.

x-x-x

Isabelle didn't know how to feel.

On one hand, she was sad. She was more than sad, she was devastated. She didn't want to live in a world without Alec's smiles, or his laugh, or his skill.

She didn't know how.

Alec had always been there. Ever since she was born, he was by her side. He was her big brother, and she didn't know how she would ever accept that she didn't have one anymore.

On the other hand, she was angry. At whom exactly, she wasn't sure. At Alec, for giving up; at Jace, for abandoning him for Clary; at Clary, for making Jace choose between her and Alec, knowing full well that she was lucky enough for Alec to help her even once; Isabell didn't know if she would ever forgive Clary for that.

But most of all, Isabelle was angry with herself, for not being there for Alec; for not being able to see that he was struggling.

Her parents reacted the way she had expected. To her, they seemed more upset about the fact that this – a suicide – would tarnish the family name further. Never mind that they had just lost their eldest son. _They were solders_. That was the excuse they gave every time they appeared inhuman. They thought emotions were weakness.

To Isabelle, being a solder didn't mean that they couldn't also be _human_. But her parents were never too fond of coexistence.

x-x-x

Jace was numb.

He couldn't remember a time before Alec; or, at least, a time without Alec that he _wanted_ to remember. Jace was slightly regretting not reading Alec's note. He was full aware that the note contained some things that Jace didn't necessarily want to hear – especially not from Alec – but this was the last thing Alec wanted the world to know. And now, it always will be.

He hadn't spoken to anyone in days. Not that Clary hadn't tried to get him to unlock his door, but Jace had sent her away, suppling her with nothing but one word responses. Eventually, she had given up. And Isabelle would probably murder him the next time she saw him. She was right. It _was his_ fault.

A crash originating from Jace's room sounded across the entire institute, echoing against the ghostly walls.

x-x-x

"Isabelle?" Max's voice was quiet, he eyed his elder sister. Never before had he seen her so distraught.

"What is it, Max?" her voice was breathy and Max didn't need to be a genius to know that Isabelle had been crying.

"Is it t-true?" he wondered "what they're saying, I mean. Is Alec – is he not coming home?"

Isabelle scoffed. "So is that what Jace told you?" her voice, despite the chuckle, was anything but humorous. "I guess he wasn't lying, but," she paused. "Max, I know a lot of people think you're too young to know about all the "big people" problems, but this is something that you're going to have to know about eventually." Max looked proud. Never before had anyone ever considered him old enough to know about, well, anything about Lightwood family politics.

"You can tell me, I can handle it." Max said confidently. Isabelle gave a sad smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.

"Max, maybe you should sit down for this." She grabbed him by the waist and settled him on her lap, just like Alec used to when they were younger. She sighed deeply before speaking again "Max, Alec is-" she chocked back a sob. "Alec is dead." She turned her head away from her little brother's stare. His eyes glossed over with tears.

Over the years his eyes had become darker. His irises now a darker icy blue

Blue. Just like Alec.

x-x-x

Alec's letter sat at the bottom of Maryse's desk drawer. It was slightly crumpled, the lettering seemingly sloppy. Jace had finally mustered enough courage to read the letter, but he was rapidly losing his nerve. The famous Jace Wayland, finally hesitant. But he knew he had to do this. If not for himself, then for Alec. With a shaking hand, Jace unfolded the paper.

He skimmed over the parts of the letter that he honestly didn't have the nerve to read. Things about the Lightwood parents, the Clave, both things Jace never knew Alec was struggling so hard to keep happy. Alec apologized to Isabelle and Max about a thousand times. But nothing about Jace; that is until he turned the page over. Jace's breath caught in his throat, but he read on. He owed this much to Alec.

x-x-x

 _I realize now Jace just keeps taking and taking and taking, throwing around the word Parabatai, never willing to give anything in return._

 _Jace, you just keep demanding for me to give you more._

 _But the thing is, I can't._

 _I fail to see how this is a partnership. I gave up everything for you and your girlfriend, who you met just days ago, yet trusted and sided with over the better word of your Parabatai. I am sick of trying to live up to all the things you expect from me._

 _It is clear to me now that you never really did care about me. For almost ten years, I was able to trick myself into thinking that maybe you actually did care about something other than yourself, that maybe you cared about me. These last few days with Clary proved otherwise._

 _Goodbye, Jace Wayland._

Jace couldn't think. This is what Alec thought of him. This was the last thing Alec would ever think of him. As a selfish, reckless douche who was so desperate to get laid that he abandoned his own brother. When Jace really thought about it, maybe that really was all he is.

x-x-x

 _Ever since I was a child, I was taught to pour myself into everything that I did. So that is exactly what I did. I poured, and poured and poured until there was absolutely nothing left for me to give, and now people ask me why I'm so empty._

 _At least now, I am finally in control._

 _With hope at last,_

 _Alexander Gideon Lightwood._

x-x-x

 _ **And that's it. This two-shot is finished. I hope you enjoy it, even if it was a little short. Please do review, it makes my day, and I read and appreciate every single one.**_

 _ **Honestly, I liked the last chapter a little better, but I wanted Jace to feel the guilt and consequence of his actions and choices.**_

 _ **Thanks for the support. A new chapter of "I Choose War" is, surprisingly, actually in the works; after an, almost, eight month hiatus. Sorry about the wait.**_

 _ **Love, Always,**_

 _ **If-x-you-x-knew.**_


End file.
